A new commitment

When you read this blog, it is not an invitation to comment and try to make me feel better. It is my turn to do that for myself. But if you want to leave a comment please do. I am writing this for my family and friends and basically don't want to have to die before you read this. Most of you are the beginning of my descendents and  your comments and insights will be added to this blog as part of my life story. I love you guys.

Yesterday I was miserable. I cried off and on pretty much all day. I hated my life and felt there was nothing I could do about it. Everything was wrong. Not even the thought of my children and grandchildren could help. Life pretty much sucked. I was depressed and therefore unreasonable. I prayed for help to get out of the depression. I prayed to find joy. As usual I turned to my scriptures and started flipping through it and several came up talking about the temple. None of the scriptures had a theme, just the word temple. And then I hit upon Alma 32: 38-39. (See scripture on the left). And then I got it. Something finally got through the fog.

I asked Steve for a blessing and then I talked to a dear friend and between the two the fog began to lift and I am beginning to see what I need to see. Don't get me wrong, things are still foggy but I am beginning to see what I need to do to find JOY. The reason for the change of title. I am thinking about making this blog invitation only but I haven't figure it out yet but for now I have let the ones know that it is here. My family and closets friends.

My last blog I talked about commitment and how I have difficulty sticking to something so I chose weight loss and immediately didn't feel it was the right thing but felt it was necessary because of other people and myself. It took a friend to help me realize why I chose the weight loss goal instead of others things. I don't feel good about myself and I thought that weight loss would help me feel better. My sweet friend said that when we are broken inside we cling to the outside. I am broken inside. Not matter what people say I don't like who I am. And the question is why? For whatever reason I need the approval of others to feel good about myself; from my husband, children, friends and total strangers, it really doesn't matter. So I concentrate on the outside sources because inside I really don't believe them and needed the constant reminder in hopes of believing it myself.

Those of you who are reading this and know me, are you surprised? Some won't be and I think some will.

So what is next. Well I changed the blogs name from Getting it Right to Finding Joy. There is joy in my life from the gospel to my family but I need to recognize it for myself. To find joy from within.  When I thought of what I should make a commitment to and chose weight loss what I really felt I need to do was study the scriptures and teachings of our prophets. I know in my head who I am  and were I came from. I know in my head that I am loved by my Heavenly Father, that I am his daughter and he loves me despite my short comings. I know in my head that the Atonement applies to me, in all aspects of my life. What I need to do is to know it in my heart, my spirit. To allow the atonement to heal the inside of me that is broken.

When Hal died I felt that I needed to get my life in order. Spiritual order. There are things I need to do, to prepare for and it can't be done by losing weight.  The scripture I chose talks of nourishing the tree. It is about studying the scriptures and prayer but I also see it as nourishing me. Learning to like myself and not needing outside sources to do it for me. To change my life one step at a time. But this time starting within.We are promised when we do what we need to do we will be given more and when we don't what we have will be taken away.

So here is a new commitment. I am going to spend time each day reading and pondering the scriptures and words of our prophets. Not just reading but studying. Part of my blessing from Steve told me to do this and I was already thinking this way. What a way to get confirmation. I still plan on watching what I eat, exercise and I am doing the 5k in January 12. But the commitment is study and I feel right about this. Oh and remember the word temple that kept popping up and then the finally the scripture about barren ground; well it reminded me about my P. blessing saying that I should go to the temple often to keep up my spiritual life so that will be added to this commitment too. What better place to ponder than in the temple.

And don't worry, I am not going to be mournful and down on myself. This is my blog about finding joy and you are invited to read about my journey.