A new commitment

When you read this blog, it is not an invitation to comment and try to make me feel better. It is my turn to do that for myself. But if you want to leave a comment please do. I am writing this for my family and friends and basically don't want to have to die before you read this. Most of you are the beginning of my descendents and  your comments and insights will be added to this blog as part of my life story. I love you guys.

Yesterday I was miserable. I cried off and on pretty much all day. I hated my life and felt there was nothing I could do about it. Everything was wrong. Not even the thought of my children and grandchildren could help. Life pretty much sucked. I was depressed and therefore unreasonable. I prayed for help to get out of the depression. I prayed to find joy. As usual I turned to my scriptures and started flipping through it and several came up talking about the temple. None of the scriptures had a theme, just the word temple. And then I hit upon Alma 32: 38-39. (See scripture on the left). And then I got it. Something finally got through the fog.

I asked Steve for a blessing and then I talked to a dear friend and between the two the fog began to lift and I am beginning to see what I need to see. Don't get me wrong, things are still foggy but I am beginning to see what I need to do to find JOY. The reason for the change of title. I am thinking about making this blog invitation only but I haven't figure it out yet but for now I have let the ones know that it is here. My family and closets friends.

My last blog I talked about commitment and how I have difficulty sticking to something so I chose weight loss and immediately didn't feel it was the right thing but felt it was necessary because of other people and myself. It took a friend to help me realize why I chose the weight loss goal instead of others things. I don't feel good about myself and I thought that weight loss would help me feel better. My sweet friend said that when we are broken inside we cling to the outside. I am broken inside. Not matter what people say I don't like who I am. And the question is why? For whatever reason I need the approval of others to feel good about myself; from my husband, children, friends and total strangers, it really doesn't matter. So I concentrate on the outside sources because inside I really don't believe them and needed the constant reminder in hopes of believing it myself.

Those of you who are reading this and know me, are you surprised? Some won't be and I think some will.

So what is next. Well I changed the blogs name from Getting it Right to Finding Joy. There is joy in my life from the gospel to my family but I need to recognize it for myself. To find joy from within.  When I thought of what I should make a commitment to and chose weight loss what I really felt I need to do was study the scriptures and teachings of our prophets. I know in my head who I am  and were I came from. I know in my head that I am loved by my Heavenly Father, that I am his daughter and he loves me despite my short comings. I know in my head that the Atonement applies to me, in all aspects of my life. What I need to do is to know it in my heart, my spirit. To allow the atonement to heal the inside of me that is broken.

When Hal died I felt that I needed to get my life in order. Spiritual order. There are things I need to do, to prepare for and it can't be done by losing weight.  The scripture I chose talks of nourishing the tree. It is about studying the scriptures and prayer but I also see it as nourishing me. Learning to like myself and not needing outside sources to do it for me. To change my life one step at a time. But this time starting within.We are promised when we do what we need to do we will be given more and when we don't what we have will be taken away.

So here is a new commitment. I am going to spend time each day reading and pondering the scriptures and words of our prophets. Not just reading but studying. Part of my blessing from Steve told me to do this and I was already thinking this way. What a way to get confirmation. I still plan on watching what I eat, exercise and I am doing the 5k in January 12. But the commitment is study and I feel right about this. Oh and remember the word temple that kept popping up and then the finally the scripture about barren ground; well it reminded me about my P. blessing saying that I should go to the temple often to keep up my spiritual life so that will be added to this commitment too. What better place to ponder than in the temple.

And don't worry, I am not going to be mournful and down on myself. This is my blog about finding joy and you are invited to read about my journey.

Choice

Had a conversation today with a friend of mine about going back to counseling. She decided I needed to hear something about choices. My choices. Basically, I talk the talk but I don't walk the walk. I am not committed to what I am doing, whatever it is. Like, weight loss, exercise, money management, classroom management, housework, scripture study, get the idea? I want to do all of these but all I do is talk and not do. Oh I start out pretty well and then boom I quit. Almost like I want to fail.I don't think I want to fail but yet I do all the time.

For example. I started a diet that last 3 weeks and then I stopped. I have been trying to get back on it ever since. I will start scripture study for a few days, weeks and even 3 months (last summer) and then stop. It is a constant stop and go. Problem is, I think I am getting whiplash.

So make a choice already. I have two, diet/exercise and work. Diet/exercise to deal with work and work to deal with classroom management. We shall see how it goes. As for the other things well I will keep trying to do those but concentrate on these two. Wish me luck!

Are you kidding me!?

I have a thought, and idea, actually. Maybe it would be better to call it a goal. I am thinking about running a 5K marathon. I looked it up, it is about 3 miles. It is 4 miles to my work. It doesn't really seem that long, but I want to run it not walk.

My friend Laura led me to a sight called from Couch to 5K and I am going to try it. She is doing something a little different but the idea is the same. It is supposed to take about 9 weeks to do this. I have two concerns. My weight and my shoes.

With my weight, I know that it puts more pressure on my joints more so than if I was lighter, so I am concerned about that. With my shoes, you just need a good pair and even though I have New Balance, it doesn't mean they are good shoes for running.

I see my trainer today and I am going to talk to her about it. I am kind of excited about the idea and yet a part of me is saying "Are you kidding me!?"

It's a start

Well, I have been trying for 3 months to lose weight and have been unsuccessful till recently. I tried to watch what I eat, kind of count calories, journal what I eat and so forth, with no success. I cheated a number of times which probably did not help. I was beyond frustrated. And then a talk with a dear friend changed it all.

First let me say, that my friend Jennifer had been trying to tell to cut carbs. And I would argue that you needed to eat good carbs or at least some. I was still eating pasta, potatoes and rice (although it was brown rice).  But it wasn't working. I even went to the dr.s to find out if something was wrong. (By the way there isn't). Then I talked to Laura. We had had this conversation before but I guess I needed to get to a point where I would listen. She talked about the South Beach diet. I had heard of it and even had the book at one time. She talked about how it was working for her. Websites that she went to for recipes depending on the phase. So I went to the library and checked out two books and decided to try.

I started on Monday, August 6. Great time to start (insert sarcasm here), it was my anniversary and we were planning a dinner out. Started it anyway and 6 days later I am 5 pounds lighter and I have more energy. I just plain feel different. I complained how tired I was all the time and that fatigue is gone! I love it. Still not as motivated to do anything with it, such as housework, but it even helps when I go to the gym. I don't get so tired.

Today is difficult, I want to eat, but I am holding out. I like the scale going down. I am looking forward to the next week and seeing what the weight loss will be. But for now it's a start.

Calories

Did you know there are 600 calories in a blueberry muffin from costco and almost 700 for a chocolate muffin? My breakfast this morning wasn't even 400 and I had bacon.

When I count calories I begin to realize how much I eat. I don't eat a lot of food but I eat a lot of high calorie food.

You see I am on a mission to loose 8 pounds by June 21. It seems a lot but since I fluctuate 3 pounds anyway, I figure I only need to loose 5. I hope I am right because my trainer says she is going to make me pay if I don't and since I already have a hard time with her I don't want to know what the payment will be.

I started thinking about the things I need to do to lose this weight. I wondered how I did it when I was young. Yes being young helped, I metabolized a lot of the calories just be being young and active. I was very active. I walked everywhere. Now I am lucky if I do 30 -60 minutes of workout a day if I push myself. It is time I bumped it up. I was watching a info-commercial  about a workout called "Insanity" which is an appropriate name. But as I watched it, I was thinking, that is how fit I want to be. I want to do those moving pushups or jumps. I want to be healthier but I want to be strong and fit. So I was thinking what I can do.

Well, one things is to make sure I go to the gym everyday (except Sunday) and work out. Not just swim but work on my strength training. Amanda has given me a lot of things I can do. There is one called the plank. I am supposed to hold it for 30 seconds. Well that is good but 35 seconds is better and once I do ok with this then 40 seconds is even better. She had me do some calisthenics that I want to do better at (especially the spider man crawl) I can swim for 40 minutes, it is time to make it 45 and so forth. Here is the cool part. I do not have to go to the gym to do a lot of this. It doesn't mean I am not going to the gym, I don't have a pool in the backyard! But I can randomly do things (like the plank)
Goal for this week loose 3-4 pounds (preferably 4) and drink 8-12 glasses of water everyday!

Oh yeah, and count calories!

Sigh

Didn't do so well today but I will do better tomorrow. I am losing weight so I am not ready to give up!! I need to find my neck!!

Whining

Just so everyone knows, I hate dieting and exercising! I just have to remember the no neck because my chin is in the way. I just need help with motivation. Sigh. I did go to the gym today and I am under my calorie intake, so I just need to keep it up!

The beginning

Yesterday, I had to look in a mirror while I worked out with my trainer. I hated it. I think she made sure I was facing the mirror so I could see what I have done to myself. It is terrible. I still have skinny legs and and arms but my face is fat, no neck and just big on top . It was awful to look at. And I am more determined to lose this weight.

I started the diet on Monday and basically did terrible. Tuesday was better but not by much. I am trying again today and already it is not looking good. My mother-in-law is taking us out to breakfast. I will try to make sure I don't mess up.

I went to the gym on Monday and did Pilates. I then came back to see my trainer and walked for 30 minutes in pain from my back. Tuesday I went to Zumba and 10 minutes later limped out in pain. I called the dr. to check it out because it is sudden. I will see him on Thursday.  I was able to walk on Tuesday, still hurting and my trainer ( she didn't show up Monday) worked with me doing arms. I am surprised that they don't hurt. My back still hurts so today I am going to swim.

I asked my trainer how much weight she thought I could lose by school (August 16) and she said 25 to 30 pounds. That would get me back down to what I weighed a year ago. She also stated that diet was more important than the workout. I believe her to a certain extent. I have tried both just diet or exercise and I do lose weight (about 10 pounds) and stopped. So that is my goal--30 pounds. Then I will make a new one after that. I joke by telling people how I am going to make my goals.

• pre-medicine - 30 pounds
• pre-marriage - 5 pounds
• pre-divorce - 30 pounds
• Robyn - 10 pounds
• Chad - 0 pounds
• Seth - 10 pounds
• Erin - 10 pounds
• Sarah- 10 - 35 pounds (if I really want to get that skinny again)

So I begin. Wish me luck!!

P.S. As much as I hate to, I will post a picture to show the beginning (Yuck!!)

He Lives!!

Have you ever done something in your life that no matter how hard you work at it that you will not meet the deadline, it won’t meet the criteria, or you will just fall short of the mark? Or maybe you didn’t have enough knowledge, skill or man power to complete the job as required. If we are honest with ourselves, we at one time or another have felt this way about something in our lives, whether it be an assignment in school, a calling, a job or just life in general. But is life in general that we really don’t need to fall short of the mark because there is help for all of us no matter where we are in our life or in other words our eternal progression.

We have been given a gift that will help us to overcome our inability to achieve our goals. This gift is the atonement. The atonement allows us to repent and be forgiven for our sins because the price has already been paid. The atonement is for us to overcome our weaknesses, to overcome our inability to become perfect in this life. The atonement is for the resurrection of all of God’s children

The atonement allows us to repent and be forgiven for our sins. We are going to sin it is a part of who we are, it is in our nature, the natural man. In Mosiah 3: 19 King Benjamin states: “For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam” This does not mean we cannot overcome sin it just means we cannot do it alone. What is sin

According to the bible dictionary it says:

Sin is lawlessness; it is a refusal on men’s part to submit to the law of God. By transgression man loses control over his own will and becomes the slave of sin, and so incurs the penalty of spiritual death, which is alienation from God.

How many times have we made a choice that we know is wrong but…well… we still do it anyway? This could be things such as, not being charitable because we are in a bad mood, not forgiving others who have hurt our feelings or not going to church because we stayed up late the night before playing video games. We have refused to submit to the law of God. We have become the slave of sin.

There are others who have committed greater sins, sins that seem unforgivable. And yet because of the atonement they are forgivable, even if the person who themselves committed the sins think otherwise.

It is by faith and then repentance and baptism that we begin to receive forgiveness. And by renewal of our baptismal covenants through the sacrament we continue this process to overcome the natural man. It is because Jesus Christ paid the price that we can repent and most importantly be forgiven.

In the April 2004 General Conference, Elder M. Russel Ballards stated:

Thankfully, Jesus Christ courageously fulfilled this sacrifice in ancient Jerusalem. There in the quiet isolation of the Garden of Gethsemane, He knelt among the gnarled olive trees, and in some incredible way that none of us can fully comprehend, the Savior took upon Himself the sins of the world. Even though His life was pure and free of sin, He paid the ultimate penalty for sin—yours, mine, and everyone who has ever lived. His mental, emotional, and spiritual anguish were so great they caused Him to bleed from every pore. And yet Jesus suffered willingly so that we might all have the opportunity to be washed clean—through having faith in Him, repenting of our sins, being baptized by proper priesthood authority, receiving the purifying gift of the Holy Ghost by confirmation, and accepting all other essential ordinances. Without the Atonement of the Lord, none of these blessings would be available to us, and we could not become worthy and prepared to return to dwell in the presence of God.

The Savior later endured the agony of inquisition, cruel beatings, and death by crucifixion on the cross at Calvary. Recently, there has been a great deal of commentary about this, none of which has made clear the singular point that no one had the power to take the Savior’s life from Him. He gave it as a ransom for us all. As the Son of God, He had the power to alter the situation. Yet the scriptures clearly state that He yielded Himself to scourging, humiliation, suffering, and finally crucifixion because of His great love towards the children of men

The Lord himself states in D&C 19:16 “For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent;”

The price is paid it is just a matter of us stepping up and doing our part. One of my favorite parts of the Book of Mormon is King Benjamin’s speech and the Nephites reaction to it. In Mosiah 4: 1-2 it says:

1 And now, it came to pass that when king Benjamin had made an end of speaking the words which had been delivered unto him by the ^aangel of the Lord, that he cast his eyes round about on the multitude, and behold they had ^bfallen to the earth, for the ^cfear of the Lord had come upon them.

2 And they had ^aviewed themselves in their own ^bcarnal state, even ^cless than the dust of the earth. And they all cried aloud with one voice, saying: O have mercy, and apply the ^datoning blood of Christ that we may receive forgiveness of our sins, and our hearts may be ^epurified; for we believe in Jesus Christ, the Son of God, who ^fcreated heaven and earth, and all things; who shall come down among the children of men.

And the best part is in the 3^rd verse. “And it came to pass that after they had spoken these words the Spirit of the Lord came upon them, and they were filled with joy, having received a remission of their sins, and having peace of conscience because of the exceeding faith which they had in Jesus Christ who should come, according to the words which king Benjamin had spoken unto them.

Because of Jesus Christ’s sacrifice we can find joy and peace when we truly repent.

The atonement is for us to overcome our weaknesses, to overcome our inability to become perfect in this life. We are doing all that we can but we still fall short of the mark. I remember reading a book called Believing Christ by STEPHEN E. ROBINSON which I found out is a talk he gave at a BYU devotional. He tells of a story that happened with his wife. She had given up, wanted to be released from her calling and did not want to participate in spiritual things. It took a couple of weeks but Brother Robinson was able to get his wife to tell him the problem. She had decided she wasn’t good enough. That she could not do all that was required; being a mother and housewife, fulfilling her callings, doing her family history, or being like other sisters in the ward she believed to be better than her. She just couldn’t keep the commandments all the time. He then stated that she was trying to save herself with Jesus Christ as her advisor and not her savior.

By Elder David A. Bednar, from a devotional address given at Brigham Young University on October 23, 2001, quotes President David O. McKay (1873–1970): “The purpose of the gospel is … to make bad men good and good men better, and to change human nature.” He continues on in his talk saying:

Most of us know that when we do wrong things, we need help to overcome the effects of sin in our lives. The Savior has paid the price and made it possible for us to become clean through His redeeming power. Most of us clearly understand that the Atonement is for sinners. I am not so sure, however, that we know and understand that the Atonement is also for saints—for good men and women who are obedient, worthy, and conscientious and who are striving to become better and serve more faithfully. We may mistakenly believe we must make the journey from good to better and become a saint all by ourselves, through sheer grit, willpower, and discipline, and with our obviously limited capacities.

As usual I have been doing it the hard way.

I remember a particular hard time in my life where I was a newly single mother with 5 children under the age of 13. We as a family were dealing with some very difficult situations. I was having a conversation with a friend on the phone when I suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of love and that Heavenly Father was pleased with me. You can’t imagine how much I needed to know this. I was struggling in so many ways and Heavenly Father was pleased with me. And I wasn’t even perfect yet.

What I think we sometimes forget is that we are all on the same path but at different parts of our journey in life depending on us and the choices we make.

Elder Bednar talks of this part of the atonement as enabling powers. It enables us to become better.

“The gospel of the Savior is not simply about avoiding bad in our lives; it also is essentially about doing and becoming good. And the Atonement provides help for us to overcome and avoid bad and to do and become good. Help from the Savior is available for the entire journey of mortality—from bad to good to better and to change our very nature.”

This gives me hope when I start to look at the “should haves” and “should dos” in my life. I just keep trying to do my best and somehow through the atonement it will be enough.

The atonement is for the resurrection of all of God’s children. How grateful I am to know that I will live again. That death is not an end. I like my life. I know this mortal part of my life will end but I and my family will continue afterwards. What is even better is that we will be resurrected with a new and improved body, and all this because of Jesus Christ and the atonement.

1 Corithians 15:22 it says:

20 But now is ^aChrist ^brisen from the dead, and become the ^cfirstfruits of them that slept.

21 For since by man came ^adeath, by man came also the ^bresurrection of the dead.

22 For as in ^aAdam all ^bdie, even so in ^cChrist shall all be made ^dalive.

How joyful it must have been for Jesus disciples to see the resurrected Christ, for the women who went to his sepulcher and to hear the angle say “why seek ye the living among the dead He is not here, but is risen”. Or for the Nephites who saw Christ and felt the wounds in his hands and feet and side. He lives and because he lives so do we. We know through the scriptures that all men will be resurrected and judged according to their works.

Our prophet President Thomas S. Monson states:

“I believe that none of us can conceive the full import of what Christ did for us in Gethsemane, but I am grateful every day of my life for His atoning sacrifice in our behalf.

“At the last moment, He could have turned back. But He did not. He passed beneath all things that He might save all things. In doing so, He gave us life beyond this mortal existence. He reclaimed us from the Fall of Adam.

At the beginning I asked have you felt as if you fell short of the mark and I am sure your answer was yes but what is so wonderful is the Atonement and its gift to us if we are willing to do our part. We can accomplish our goals both the temporal and eternal ones through the help of our savior and his atonement. We can repent and be cleansed from our sins; we can overcome our weaknesses and achieve all that is required of us because of the atonement. We can live again.

I would like to recite the words of my favorite hymn.

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me,

Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me.

I tremble to know that for me he was crucified,

That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died.

Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me

Enough to die for me!

Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!

I love the gospel. I know it is true. I know that Jesus Christ lives and that through Him I can be cleansed from my sins if I truly repent, that He will help with my trials and my goals. That because of Him I can live again with my family and with my Heavenly Father.

I say this in the name of Jesus Christ Amen

Being Lonely in a Crowded Room

Every been in a crowded room and felt alone. Today I did. I went to an activity for my ward, made sure I went an talked to people and yet eventually became excluded from everyone as they chatted with family and friends. I sat there wondering what I could do different (and I kept thinking of chocolate-see previous post) I really didn't have anything to say to anyone. I have nothing in common with most. I don't want to talk about work, counseling, my troubles and so forth. What do I say to someone without it being about me. I find myself sitting in the background wondering how to come out to the front, not to be the center of attention, but just not to be in the background. I was ready to leave before Steve. I wonder what I can do differently.

Missing Chocolate

Yesterday, I read something to mom and then gave it to my counselor. It is a talk by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf. I remember the talk and how I felt the talk was just for me but I hadn't read it since it was given. But when I read it to my mom, it was the third "petal": Forget not to be happy now, that got to me.

I guess it is because last Friday, in counseling, I stated that I was miserable and Chris reminded me of my grandchildren,who are a delight to me. In the third petal, President Uchtdorf's talks about the golden ticket from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and how people were looking so hard for the golden ticket that they ignored the chocolate that it was supposed to wrapped around. He states, "Some feel that their entire future happiness depends on whether or not a golden ticket falls into their hands. In their anxiousness, people begin to forget the simple joy they used to find in a candy bar. The candy bar itself becomes an utter disappointment if it does not contain a golden ticket." Chris had to remind me of the chocolate in my life, such as my grandchildren. So what other chocolates have I been missing? I shall make a list.

Golden ticket: That my marriage be the way I think I want it to be.
Chocolate: We are friends. We talk more. He holds the priesthood and he is trying.

Golden ticket: I am an amazing teacher and all my students love and adore me and do what ever they are supposed to be doing.
Chocolate: Some of the students do like me. I am doing better this year than in the past years. I have the strength to show up even when the day before was awful.

Golden Ticket: I want to be skinny again.
Chocolate: I can still move around, work, play. I am not in a 3x. and I can still fit in a theater seat. And I still can start the process and celebrate the lost weight.

Golden Ticket: I want a cleaner house.
Chocolate: I have a house. And I am able to clean it.

Golden Ticket: I want to be perfect
Chocolate: Heavenly Father loves me anyway.

That is a good start.

Am I addicted to food?

I have been on weight watchers for 3 months and there is no sign that it is working but then I am the reason it is not. And when I mentioned it to my husband about paying for something that is not working ($40 for each of us), he reminded me of the gym and then I am like wow. $160 for losing weight and neither of us are putting our all in it. So I began to question me. Why? Why would I spend that kind of money and have nothing to show for it? I hate gambling because I hate putting out money for nothing and yet that is what I am doing now. So I think some more and get out the computer to research food addiction. I got good news and bad news. Good news- I didn't say yes to all the questions (such as throwing food away and then getting it back out) but I did say yes and supposedly that means I have a food addiction (bad news).

So, I think some more. I am in counseling because I don't care enough for myself to do what I want. I worry more about what everyone else thinks and what everyone else thinks is right. So it would make sense that I have a food addiction trying to make myself feel better. (no matter how much I blame it on my medication-which is a valid complaint by the way, since one of the side effects is increased appetite.) So what do I do?

Well as all addicts have to do, I must admit it. hmm...well lets see. I love food, will eat it until I am uncomfortable. I think about it. When I am out driving to run errands I think about stopping for food. When I shop I look for things I can eat on the way home. When I am home, I am looking through cupboards for something and am frustrated to find nothing since I don't buy anything bad except for the trip home. I even want food when I am upset and sometimes when I am in a good mood too. I don't hide food but sometimes I hide the evidence of buying fast food. I may not hoard food or dig it out of the garbage but could I get to that point?

Then I think some more. I have officially reached the point where I can say I need to lose at least 100 pounds. I used to say 80 even though I was 100 over my skinniest (127) because I figured 150 was fine. I don't know if I am 250 now and don't really want to know but then I am pretty darn close at 247. When is being overweight a problem? When you can't fit into a seat? I still can but worry about sitting close to people (like on an airplane) since I am still big. When I can't sit or get up off the floor or couch because there is so much to move? When you have to use a machine at night to sleep due to sleep apnea? When the weight is aggravating other health problems. When I can't do a cartwheel? (I could a year ago but can't now-can I blame that on age instead of the 20 pounds gained in this past year?) I remember asking these question when I dated David and now with my husband as he struggles with his weight too. But now the questions finally applied to me. Well they always have but I am finally asking them for myself. When will I start taking my weight problem seriously enough to do something about it.

Do I have a food addiction. Yeah I believe I do. Too bad I can't quit cold turkey!