I have been on weight watchers for 3 months and there is no sign that it is working but then I am the reason it is not. And when I mentioned it to my husband about paying for something that is not working ($40 for each of us), he reminded me of the gym and then I am like wow. $160 for losing weight and neither of us are putting our all in it. So I began to question me. Why? Why would I spend that kind of money and have nothing to show for it? I hate gambling because I hate putting out money for nothing and yet that is what I am doing now. So I think some more and get out the computer to research food addiction. I got good news and bad news. Good news- I didn't say yes to all the questions (such as throwing food away and then getting it back out) but I did say yes and supposedly that means I have a food addiction (bad news).
So, I think some more. I am in counseling because I don't care enough for myself to do what I want. I worry more about what everyone else thinks and what everyone else thinks is right. So it would make sense that I have a food addiction trying to make myself feel better. (no matter how much I blame it on my medication-which is a valid complaint by the way, since one of the side effects is increased appetite.) So what do I do?
Well as all addicts have to do, I must admit it. hmm...well lets see. I love food, will eat it until I am uncomfortable. I think about it. When I am out driving to run errands I think about stopping for food. When I shop I look for things I can eat on the way home. When I am home, I am looking through cupboards for something and am frustrated to find nothing since I don't buy anything bad except for the trip home. I even want food when I am upset and sometimes when I am in a good mood too. I don't hide food but sometimes I hide the evidence of buying fast food. I may not hoard food or dig it out of the garbage but could I get to that point?
Then I think some more. I have officially reached the point where I can say I need to lose at least 100 pounds. I used to say 80 even though I was 100 over my skinniest (127) because I figured 150 was fine. I don't know if I am 250 now and don't really want to know but then I am pretty darn close at 247. When is being overweight a problem? When you can't fit into a seat? I still can but worry about sitting close to people (like on an airplane) since I am still big. When I can't sit or get up off the floor or couch because there is so much to move? When you have to use a machine at night to sleep due to sleep apnea? When the weight is aggravating other health problems. When I can't do a cartwheel? (I could a year ago but can't now-can I blame that on age instead of the 20 pounds gained in this past year?) I remember asking these question when I dated David and now with my husband as he struggles with his weight too. But now the questions finally applied to me. Well they always have but I am finally asking them for myself. When will I start taking my weight problem seriously enough to do something about it.
Do I have a food addiction. Yeah I believe I do. Too bad I can't quit cold turkey!
