A good cry

I went to my counselor yesterday and it seemed it was just going to be talking about stuff. We talked about my children and some of the problems I am having with them. (I am beginning to think that adult children are harder than teenagers) We talked about my work and how I am following my three goals. (not to worry about dinners-Monday through Thursday; not to go to work till 7-instead go to the gym; and not to bring work home, except Fridays-grading) and how that is working for me. We talked about my classes and how it was going, she was telling me it sounded like it was going to be a great year and I stated that it really depends because the year hadn't really started yet. She pointed out that I was negating my ability as a teacher.

Somehow the conversation shifted gears and I was in tears. I didn't want to work, I wanted to stay home and be a housewife and mom but I didn't get to because I have to work. In a sense the choice had been taken away from me. I wanted to stop crying and fix it. But my counselor didn't want me to do that. We talked about how in a sense I was mourning for what I had lost. Can you believe that I miss not being able to stay home and cook and clean and do all the housewifey stuff. But I do. I miss being able to do all those things. I even hate my goals especially the one about cooking dinners. I like cooking but I am so tired from work I don't want to do anything when I get home. I cried for a good 15 minutes and I am crying now. I guess I need to mourn my loss before I can move on and get my life back in order.

I had so much fun canning and doing stuff around the house this summer. Neither Steve or I wanted me to go back to work. I wasn't even tired! But now that I am back to work. I am tired all the time, I have not been really happy. And yet, I love teaching!

Some of the problems I have been having with my two children still at home make me feel like I am failing at my job as a mother. To be honest I have never been able to find a balance of being a mom and working full time. While in school I felt guilty that I wasn't at home as much but I was usually home when they were even if I was doing homework. My job has taken over my life, that is why I have the goals. I am trying to get back my life. And though it seems to be better there are still things that are not. It seems I am carrying my heart on my sleeve and the students see it.

I have been told this numerous of times and yet it hasn't changed anything. I find my self counting down till the end of the day. And although, things are going well so far, I act like it is a drudgery to be there. I got asked in the first week of school if I was OK by my principal. I just told her that I was tired, trying to get used to being at work again. But it bothered me that she had to ask. Do I carry my feelings on my face? I guess I shouldn't play poker! I guess it is time for a new affirmation statement. "This is going to be a great year and I am a great teacher."

But for now, I will just have a really good cry.

A Challenge

I am planning on trying something. I feel a need to do something. But will I be able to do it because it is such a challenge?

I heard about reading the Book of Mormon in 90 days 3 times. That is once for every 30 days, 18 pages a day. Each time has a different purpose and a different colored pencil for underlining and such. The first time is to learn of the people of old to see how God deals with them and so on. You use a regular pencil for underlining and write questions and notes in the margin. The second time is to read and underline in red all scriptures that relate to Christ and the atonement and so on. The third time is to like the scripture unto yourself. To see what God wants you to see, know and understand. At the end of each month, you write your testimony on the blank pages at the end of the book.

On top of that I am looking at the YW Personal Progress book. My bishop's suggestion. We had talked about how easy it is to remember who we are when we are told so much that we are daughters of God and how we tend to forget that when we get older. I think in some part of my mind the title daughter went to my daughters and somewhere I lost that privilege. You forget how important you are when you are not constantly reminded. I told my daughter that I felt that in part, the Young Women's program helped me to have a better self-esteem than I would have without it. I knew who I was and I felt special. Somewhere I lost that feeling so I am planning to work on it. I also thought I should look for my old personal progress book and show it to my daughters, I am pretty sure I still have it somewhere. I hope I do.

I am waiting till June to start the Book of Mormon challenge since I have invited others, but I am ready. I have my Book of Mormon and pencils already. Till then I will work on personal progress just like the young women. Does this mean I am going through a mid-life crisis? :)

Crying

I want to cry. I don't know why I want to cry but I do. I guess there comes a time where you just need to cry. My life is not exactly how I want it to be. I am definitely not where I thought I would be at this time in my life and yet here I am. And I need to remember that I am still on plan A. But, I still want to cry.

Mother's Day

I love Mother's Day! Not because of all the cards, phone calls, presents and breakfast in bed (although that has happened in a little while, I guess I should sleep in late) and not because it gives me an excuse to call all the mom's I love especially the one who had to put up with me the longest. It is because it is a day where I remember that I did the most amazing thing in my life. I became a mother.

I have been blessed to be called mother, mommy and mama by five most amazing, talented and beautiful/handsome children. And this mother's day I find myself thinking of the past when they were small and underfoot. How amazing they were from the time they were born with their tiny hands and feet. With wonder I was able to watch as they discovered what they could do as they learned to walk, talk and later to read and write. To watch them discover their talents from writing, art, drama, academics and music. And now to see the talent of mothering that my two oldest use with their little ones.

My children as of March are now all adults. Three still live at home but they are busy getting ready to leave the nest and I look at this new phase in motherhood with trepidation. Am I ready. I think I am. To watch them live their lives and make mistakes and cry tears over their children. Knowing that all I can give them is my love, listening ear and understanding. Knowing they will make mistakes and hoping their mistakes are not as big as mine were.

But coming with adulthood comes understanding of what it is like to be an adult and for this mother's day I got a wonderful present from my children. A back yard for my grandchildren to play in. It was a mess. It needed to be mowed, weeded, plants needed to be cut back, "stuff" needed to be put away. The following pictures will tell you the story of before and after. It is amazing.

Here is the picture of before:














After:














Another before picture with stuff:














After:














So, now I have more of a backyard than a storage area with weeds. There is more to do but this is a great start and the grandbabies can now play in the backyard. On top of it all I got dinner, pork ribs, beans and corn on the cob. Yummy!

By the way, my daughter took these pictures so they should look familiar if you read her blog too!

A day early.

My birthday started a day early (yesterday) at about 7:30 in the morning when four students came up to me with a cake in hand. They had spelled "Mrs Riks" on top with m&m's. I almost cried. These students come from my worst class. In fact my first comment to them was, "But I am always yelling at you". I hugged all 4 and saved the cake for 6th/7th period (when they come in). I had planned a game for the day so giving them cake worked out. Except when they started the frosting war. *Sigh* I yelled at them again. (If we have a party at the end of the year there will be nothing that has frosting!)

Anyway, while we were eating cake and playing a game (the students where playing a math board game). One of my co-worker and friend popped in and threw in a bunch of helium balloons that said Happy Birthday on them. Then another teacher popped her head in and told me to open my pod door and with her door open, her students sang happy birthday to me and then my students joined in. It was funny and sweet.

And to top it off, the students talked me into showing that I could still do a cartwheel. So when the final bell rang, I went out on the lawn. My students where telling everyone I was going to do a cartwheel and many stayed to see this strange phenomenon. Before I did this strange and daring feat one of my students brought out a piece of cake and smashed it into a girls face. *Sigh, again* Now I have to write a referral, darn it! But just so you know I did the cartwheel and I believe I would have gotten a 8.5 for technique and a 9.0 for daring.

So now to see what today brings.

My Other Identity

I used to joke about have two people living inside of me. One who is incredibly emotional and the other one who says "Get a grip!" Come to find out I wasn't too far off.

You see this identity took over my body and caused all sorts of issues. It seems to be the reason I am always tired, irritable, unable to focus, make decisions and easily overwhelmed. It was the part that became so needy it made ME sick. It is one of the reasons I hold back with friends because I feel that I am too needy. The hardest thing about all of this is that I thought this was something about me that I had to fix. Flaws that I had to overcome and yet never seem to be able too. If things got too stressful, I got worse. If things got better, I worried about things going bad again. I was never really happy. Here is the interesting part. I discovered when I was having a good day, the identity was not in control. I was.

When I am in control, I get things done. I smile a lot. I like to laugh, crack jokes, be silly. I am able to plan ahead. I also found out I can multi-task, something I thought I was incapable of.

So now I take the steps to take back my life and allow me to be in control. I am not sure what to expect but this is my journey of discovery of myself, so we shall see.

A "New" Friend

I met someone yesterday. She is sweet and funny. She likes her little brothers and school. She loves to explore, run, play and catch tadpoles. She was lost but we are in the process of getting to know her again. So we are taking her to the movies. The only question is, do I go to see "Hop" or "Source Code"?

Plan A

I went to a workshop called "Time Out for Women". It was amazing! I laughed, cried and was taught. I find it interesting that the one presentation I thought was the least entertaining ended up being the one that has affected me the most. It stayed with me and now I want to share it here because it is why I am writing this blog. It has led to insight about me, my family and work. Most of all it has reminded me that Heavenly Father knows me and is very much aware of me, where I am at and what my needs are to become the best of who I can be.

I believe the speaker name was Laurel Christensen. She talked of how we have plans, and keep changing them. We start out with plan A and then change the plan over again, going to Plan B, then Plan C and so on. She talked about how she and her roommates sat down and looked at thier plans and she stated, “I discovered I was on plan K" and then went on to say that she was now on plans that had triple letters. We women (over 1700) laughed as we recognized ourselves in what she was saying. She then continued and talked about an experience that changed not only her perspective but mine, and probably others, as well.

She went to Biggest Loser Resort for 2 weeks. There was a particular exercise she had to do where she got on the treadmill and had to run as fast as she could for 5 minutes and rest for 5 minutes and then get on again for 4 minutes and rest for 4 and then again for 3 minutes and so on. She knew she was already in trouble and sure enough 2 minutes into the first 5 minutes she was telling her neighboring treadmill runners that she was going to die and she could not do it. A trainer came up to her and literally yelled at her to keep her going saying (paraphrased) "Don't you be the reason you fail" She survived the first 5 minutes and then rested and started on the 4 minute run. Again after 2 minutes she stated again, "I am going to die" and "I can't do this". The trainer came and again and yelled at her "Don't you be the reason you fail" Somehow she finished and came through the experience realizing that she had made the mistake of quitting because she believed she could NOT do it. She made the comment that she wished she had learned this lesson 10 years earlier, She then added that Heavenly Father was not looking down on her and saying, " Yeah, I was kind of wondering about that myself" in fact He already knew that it would take her this long and had helped her to get this point by the many trials, big and small, that had come into her life so that she could finally understand what she needed to know and one of them was, she had been on plan A along.

So what has that done for me? It has caused me to look at my life and see where I am at.

I remember planning my life and how I was going to go to college, go on a mission, come back finish school, find a husband, have children and so on. But that is not what I did. And due to life "getting in the way" my life has changed in ways I would never had planned, some by my choices and some because of the choice of others. But when we remember where we came from and why we are here, when we keep that at the front of our minds, it changes our perspective. It is when we let "life get in the way" that we lose sight of who we are and why we are really here. We are were we are now because of our choices and the choices of others and Heavenly Father loves us and knows us so perfectly that He knew we would be and He has sent people, opportunities, revelations and so on to help us along the way. Sometimes life does get in the way but He already knows we will let that happen and he has planned for that as well.

I remember reading or hearing a talk about the Israelites and how they could not drink the water because it was so bitter, so they used the branches from a tree to sweeten the water. Remember is was a tree, it takes a long time to grow a tree. Heavenly Father knew they would need it and made sure that it had been planted and grown. We can see ourselves as the Israelites or the tree. He makes sure we have what we need to help us or He will place us were we are needed to help others. I am pretty sure it is both.

A year ago, I made a goal to read all four standard works before my 46th birthday. Well my birthday is a week a way and I can guarantee I won't finish. But that is OK. I am still on a journey but is a journey of self-discovery and change, of becoming who I am meant to be. But here is the cool part. I am still on plan A.