I went to my counselor yesterday and it seemed it was just going to be talking about stuff. We talked about my children and some of the problems I am having with them. (I am beginning to think that adult children are harder than teenagers) We talked about my work and how I am following my three goals. (not to worry about dinners-Monday through Thursday; not to go to work till 7-instead go to the gym; and not to bring work home, except Fridays-grading) and how that is working for me. We talked about my classes and how it was going, she was telling me it sounded like it was going to be a great year and I stated that it really depends because the year hadn't really started yet. She pointed out that I was negating my ability as a teacher.
Somehow the conversation shifted gears and I was in tears. I didn't want to work, I wanted to stay home and be a housewife and mom but I didn't get to because I have to work. In a sense the choice had been taken away from me. I wanted to stop crying and fix it. But my counselor didn't want me to do that. We talked about how in a sense I was mourning for what I had lost. Can you believe that I miss not being able to stay home and cook and clean and do all the housewifey stuff. But I do. I miss being able to do all those things. I even hate my goals especially the one about cooking dinners. I like cooking but I am so tired from work I don't want to do anything when I get home. I cried for a good 15 minutes and I am crying now. I guess I need to mourn my loss before I can move on and get my life back in order.
I had so much fun canning and doing stuff around the house this summer. Neither Steve or I wanted me to go back to work. I wasn't even tired! But now that I am back to work. I am tired all the time, I have not been really happy. And yet, I love teaching!
Some of the problems I have been having with my two children still at home make me feel like I am failing at my job as a mother. To be honest I have never been able to find a balance of being a mom and working full time. While in school I felt guilty that I wasn't at home as much but I was usually home when they were even if I was doing homework. My job has taken over my life, that is why I have the goals. I am trying to get back my life. And though it seems to be better there are still things that are not. It seems I am carrying my heart on my sleeve and the students see it.
I have been told this numerous of times and yet it hasn't changed anything. I find my self counting down till the end of the day. And although, things are going well so far, I act like it is a drudgery to be there. I got asked in the first week of school if I was OK by my principal. I just told her that I was tired, trying to get used to being at work again. But it bothered me that she had to ask. Do I carry my feelings on my face? I guess I shouldn't play poker! I guess it is time for a new affirmation statement. "This is going to be a great year and I am a great teacher."
But for now, I will just have a really good cry.
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