Being Lonely in a Crowded Room

Every been in a crowded room and felt alone. Today I did. I went to an activity for my ward, made sure I went an talked to people and yet eventually became excluded from everyone as they chatted with family and friends. I sat there wondering what I could do different (and I kept thinking of chocolate-see previous post) I really didn't have anything to say to anyone. I have nothing in common with most. I don't want to talk about work, counseling, my troubles and so forth. What do I say to someone without it being about me. I find myself sitting in the background wondering how to come out to the front, not to be the center of attention, but just not to be in the background. I was ready to leave before Steve. I wonder what I can do differently.

Missing Chocolate

Yesterday, I read something to mom and then gave it to my counselor. It is a talk by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf. I remember the talk and how I felt the talk was just for me but I hadn't read it since it was given. But when I read it to my mom, it was the third "petal": Forget not to be happy now, that got to me.

I guess it is because last Friday, in counseling, I stated that I was miserable and Chris reminded me of my grandchildren,who are a delight to me. In the third petal, President Uchtdorf's talks about the golden ticket from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and how people were looking so hard for the golden ticket that they ignored the chocolate that it was supposed to wrapped around. He states, "Some feel that their entire future happiness depends on whether or not a golden ticket falls into their hands. In their anxiousness, people begin to forget the simple joy they used to find in a candy bar. The candy bar itself becomes an utter disappointment if it does not contain a golden ticket." Chris had to remind me of the chocolate in my life, such as my grandchildren. So what other chocolates have I been missing? I shall make a list.

Golden ticket: That my marriage be the way I think I want it to be.
Chocolate: We are friends. We talk more. He holds the priesthood and he is trying.

Golden ticket: I am an amazing teacher and all my students love and adore me and do what ever they are supposed to be doing.
Chocolate: Some of the students do like me. I am doing better this year than in the past years. I have the strength to show up even when the day before was awful.

Golden Ticket: I want to be skinny again.
Chocolate: I can still move around, work, play. I am not in a 3x. and I can still fit in a theater seat. And I still can start the process and celebrate the lost weight.

Golden Ticket: I want a cleaner house.
Chocolate: I have a house. And I am able to clean it.

Golden Ticket: I want to be perfect
Chocolate: Heavenly Father loves me anyway.

That is a good start.

Am I addicted to food?

I have been on weight watchers for 3 months and there is no sign that it is working but then I am the reason it is not. And when I mentioned it to my husband about paying for something that is not working ($40 for each of us), he reminded me of the gym and then I am like wow. $160 for losing weight and neither of us are putting our all in it. So I began to question me. Why? Why would I spend that kind of money and have nothing to show for it? I hate gambling because I hate putting out money for nothing and yet that is what I am doing now. So I think some more and get out the computer to research food addiction. I got good news and bad news. Good news- I didn't say yes to all the questions (such as throwing food away and then getting it back out) but I did say yes and supposedly that means I have a food addiction (bad news).

So, I think some more. I am in counseling because I don't care enough for myself to do what I want. I worry more about what everyone else thinks and what everyone else thinks is right. So it would make sense that I have a food addiction trying to make myself feel better. (no matter how much I blame it on my medication-which is a valid complaint by the way, since one of the side effects is increased appetite.) So what do I do?

Well as all addicts have to do, I must admit it. hmm...well lets see. I love food, will eat it until I am uncomfortable. I think about it. When I am out driving to run errands I think about stopping for food. When I shop I look for things I can eat on the way home. When I am home, I am looking through cupboards for something and am frustrated to find nothing since I don't buy anything bad except for the trip home. I even want food when I am upset and sometimes when I am in a good mood too. I don't hide food but sometimes I hide the evidence of buying fast food. I may not hoard food or dig it out of the garbage but could I get to that point?

Then I think some more. I have officially reached the point where I can say I need to lose at least 100 pounds. I used to say 80 even though I was 100 over my skinniest (127) because I figured 150 was fine. I don't know if I am 250 now and don't really want to know but then I am pretty darn close at 247. When is being overweight a problem? When you can't fit into a seat? I still can but worry about sitting close to people (like on an airplane) since I am still big. When I can't sit or get up off the floor or couch because there is so much to move? When you have to use a machine at night to sleep due to sleep apnea? When the weight is aggravating other health problems. When I can't do a cartwheel? (I could a year ago but can't now-can I blame that on age instead of the 20 pounds gained in this past year?) I remember asking these question when I dated David and now with my husband as he struggles with his weight too. But now the questions finally applied to me. Well they always have but I am finally asking them for myself. When will I start taking my weight problem seriously enough to do something about it.

Do I have a food addiction. Yeah I believe I do. Too bad I can't quit cold turkey!

A good cry

I went to my counselor yesterday and it seemed it was just going to be talking about stuff. We talked about my children and some of the problems I am having with them. (I am beginning to think that adult children are harder than teenagers) We talked about my work and how I am following my three goals. (not to worry about dinners-Monday through Thursday; not to go to work till 7-instead go to the gym; and not to bring work home, except Fridays-grading) and how that is working for me. We talked about my classes and how it was going, she was telling me it sounded like it was going to be a great year and I stated that it really depends because the year hadn't really started yet. She pointed out that I was negating my ability as a teacher.

Somehow the conversation shifted gears and I was in tears. I didn't want to work, I wanted to stay home and be a housewife and mom but I didn't get to because I have to work. In a sense the choice had been taken away from me. I wanted to stop crying and fix it. But my counselor didn't want me to do that. We talked about how in a sense I was mourning for what I had lost. Can you believe that I miss not being able to stay home and cook and clean and do all the housewifey stuff. But I do. I miss being able to do all those things. I even hate my goals especially the one about cooking dinners. I like cooking but I am so tired from work I don't want to do anything when I get home. I cried for a good 15 minutes and I am crying now. I guess I need to mourn my loss before I can move on and get my life back in order.

I had so much fun canning and doing stuff around the house this summer. Neither Steve or I wanted me to go back to work. I wasn't even tired! But now that I am back to work. I am tired all the time, I have not been really happy. And yet, I love teaching!

Some of the problems I have been having with my two children still at home make me feel like I am failing at my job as a mother. To be honest I have never been able to find a balance of being a mom and working full time. While in school I felt guilty that I wasn't at home as much but I was usually home when they were even if I was doing homework. My job has taken over my life, that is why I have the goals. I am trying to get back my life. And though it seems to be better there are still things that are not. It seems I am carrying my heart on my sleeve and the students see it.

I have been told this numerous of times and yet it hasn't changed anything. I find my self counting down till the end of the day. And although, things are going well so far, I act like it is a drudgery to be there. I got asked in the first week of school if I was OK by my principal. I just told her that I was tired, trying to get used to being at work again. But it bothered me that she had to ask. Do I carry my feelings on my face? I guess I shouldn't play poker! I guess it is time for a new affirmation statement. "This is going to be a great year and I am a great teacher."

But for now, I will just have a really good cry.

A Challenge

I am planning on trying something. I feel a need to do something. But will I be able to do it because it is such a challenge?

I heard about reading the Book of Mormon in 90 days 3 times. That is once for every 30 days, 18 pages a day. Each time has a different purpose and a different colored pencil for underlining and such. The first time is to learn of the people of old to see how God deals with them and so on. You use a regular pencil for underlining and write questions and notes in the margin. The second time is to read and underline in red all scriptures that relate to Christ and the atonement and so on. The third time is to like the scripture unto yourself. To see what God wants you to see, know and understand. At the end of each month, you write your testimony on the blank pages at the end of the book.

On top of that I am looking at the YW Personal Progress book. My bishop's suggestion. We had talked about how easy it is to remember who we are when we are told so much that we are daughters of God and how we tend to forget that when we get older. I think in some part of my mind the title daughter went to my daughters and somewhere I lost that privilege. You forget how important you are when you are not constantly reminded. I told my daughter that I felt that in part, the Young Women's program helped me to have a better self-esteem than I would have without it. I knew who I was and I felt special. Somewhere I lost that feeling so I am planning to work on it. I also thought I should look for my old personal progress book and show it to my daughters, I am pretty sure I still have it somewhere. I hope I do.

I am waiting till June to start the Book of Mormon challenge since I have invited others, but I am ready. I have my Book of Mormon and pencils already. Till then I will work on personal progress just like the young women. Does this mean I am going through a mid-life crisis? :)

Crying

I want to cry. I don't know why I want to cry but I do. I guess there comes a time where you just need to cry. My life is not exactly how I want it to be. I am definitely not where I thought I would be at this time in my life and yet here I am. And I need to remember that I am still on plan A. But, I still want to cry.

Mother's Day

I love Mother's Day! Not because of all the cards, phone calls, presents and breakfast in bed (although that has happened in a little while, I guess I should sleep in late) and not because it gives me an excuse to call all the mom's I love especially the one who had to put up with me the longest. It is because it is a day where I remember that I did the most amazing thing in my life. I became a mother.

I have been blessed to be called mother, mommy and mama by five most amazing, talented and beautiful/handsome children. And this mother's day I find myself thinking of the past when they were small and underfoot. How amazing they were from the time they were born with their tiny hands and feet. With wonder I was able to watch as they discovered what they could do as they learned to walk, talk and later to read and write. To watch them discover their talents from writing, art, drama, academics and music. And now to see the talent of mothering that my two oldest use with their little ones.

My children as of March are now all adults. Three still live at home but they are busy getting ready to leave the nest and I look at this new phase in motherhood with trepidation. Am I ready. I think I am. To watch them live their lives and make mistakes and cry tears over their children. Knowing that all I can give them is my love, listening ear and understanding. Knowing they will make mistakes and hoping their mistakes are not as big as mine were.

But coming with adulthood comes understanding of what it is like to be an adult and for this mother's day I got a wonderful present from my children. A back yard for my grandchildren to play in. It was a mess. It needed to be mowed, weeded, plants needed to be cut back, "stuff" needed to be put away. The following pictures will tell you the story of before and after. It is amazing.

Here is the picture of before:














After:














Another before picture with stuff:














After:














So, now I have more of a backyard than a storage area with weeds. There is more to do but this is a great start and the grandbabies can now play in the backyard. On top of it all I got dinner, pork ribs, beans and corn on the cob. Yummy!

By the way, my daughter took these pictures so they should look familiar if you read her blog too!